i felt relief when my mother diedi felt relief when my mother died

I lost her at least 3 years ago anyways and Ive been carrying the burden since then of seeing her even further slip away. Im proud to have had her as my mum, she gave nothing but pure unselfish love. My dad died of covid but also had dementia and caring for him really drained me, when i told my partner i was relieved that i no longer had to be his caregiver he said this was bad. May G-d bless you all. I dont have to cook for Thanksgiving! Thank you and bless you all, Ann C Vipperman January 15, 2021 at 8:56 pm Reply. After my husbands cancer diagnosis last July, he was given weeks to months to live. Death takes such a toll on your life, and mental state of mind, it just seams like I should be farther than this with my emotions. Its as if she is still around. Maybe thats part of it too? am i suppose to feel this way. Brenda Cottrell June 25, 2019 at 11:20 pm Reply, Thank you . Depression and anxiety were constant following the sudden death of her mother in 1973. I mourn the memories we will never make. This past Monday she spoke to me and said she is ready to go. I just read your story and I feel compelled to write to you. Garry Kirk June 16, 2020 at 12:00 pm Reply, My 85 year old dads sudden death five years ago didnt leave me sad, just a bit numb, and very relieved. At this point we discovered hed been sleeping upright in a spare room suffering from indigestion they were big on self diagnosis, yet got this horribly wrong. As much as I know that guilt is not healthy or fair to myself, I still feel it a lot. Taking care of him doesnt require relief at this point. I pray that Im not sounding selfish, however, if it had not been for God on my side leading and guiding me, I would not have made it through this painful time in my life. There was relief . I do not understand it, and have no way of explaining it this time. A couple of days after he died, I asked my son and God for a sign that he was at okay and at peace. My wife and son found me still passed out 16 hours later and advised me the hospice nurse who had come when I called for help that night had told them to hide all my car keys and wallet so I couldnt leave the house. His will proved that, too.) I held hid hands and talked to him for an hour. I am sad that my daughter will never hear her father call her my her true name, and that I will never hear him say, Im proud of how youre raising our children, Laurie.. Isabelle Siegel January 18, 2021 at 10:40 am, Ann, Im so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are enduring. Relief that my Dad is no longer a ward of a facility, and kept a prisoner, cut off from his family, due to Covid. I processed the situation, cried, and going through all stages of grief. At the final stages, my MIL failed to tell the hospital that my husband was next of kin and had power of attorney, only putting herself and his younger brother on the list. Shirley dean February 24, 2019 at 5:17 pm Reply. My mothers death brought me solace, and yes, relief. My childhood. But this article was very helpful! Why? I love you. Kathy Mawer August 13, 2016 at 6:02 pm Reply, Eleanor, That is right. Even though it meant that it ended in death. They are OURS to have and keep and continue to make with others. I feel relieved Osama bin Laden is dead for several reasons but the main one is that he was going to live out the rest of his life being like Hitler and just having had killed anyone he didnt like. Apologies for the long post, it feels like a weight off my shoulders and I hope you wont judge me too harshly. This guide provides key facts and practical tips on women's health. At the last stages of her addiction she did some things I was worried would be a threat to my parents, so I was often mad at her or try to help her. I was her caregiver and I was exhausted. He felt his Autism was a curse. Death often comes after a period of intense and prolonged pain, anxiety, worry, fear, and suffering. She was a single mom, controlling, mentally abusive, and I grew up in a dysfunctional household. They were quite secretive, big on quizzing people without giving anything in return. Yes, we are talking to each other and walking through this together, but it is sometimes so hard to tell someone even as close as a spouse that one of my grief emotions is relief. I got so frustrated after 4hours sleep in 8 days I kinda lost my cool. These relationships are often marital or parent/child relationships, but can be true of any type of relationship where a person feels constantly trapped and controlled by another person. Michael Mawer June 2, 2016 at 6:50 am Reply. Ive felt a lot of guilt over the relief I have felt at my husbands passing. I got to my house and literally passed out on top of my shoes and jacket and flashlight and everything else I needed to bring home. He dosent know yet . Sarah October 29, 2020 at 10:55 pm Reply. After writing online articles forWhats Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book! So here I am. Its all working out. I was able to mostly reconcile that after our contact was cut for legal reasons, but I thought about her often and even worked for her sister at a different organization for a while. When he was sober and stable, he was a sensitive, loving, happy poet. That being said, youre not selfish for wanting more time with your mother. And my mother was sick. You can also subscribe without commenting. That was five years of it, plus Tyler had his issues off and on; Zander (RIP) had his until 2016; and I lost Blue to CKD a few months before Stanley appeared, and Ophelia in 2015 at 21. If I had invited him into my life, would the world have seemed like a friendlier place, a place he didnt need to escape with drugs? Now that he is gone I am so sad, but I feel like I can start to heal and move forward without that perpetual sense of impending doom and I can only describe that feeling as relief. I needed this post as well. I know I would have. Although his deterioration was noticeable, it was not such that I really thought of it as suffering. It is as though I am now trying to find the light or the good in things for my Mother (almost a repeated cycle- that I am frightened to go though). I lost my mum a fortnight ago. Knowing that it has been a help is what keeps us writing! Julia Krispeal lost her husband to amyotropic lateral sclerosis in August 2022. Teri September 17, 2022 at 12:45 am Reply. Have you connected with a counselor or a support group? Always makes it better to know you are not alone in your feelings. Because of lockdown only my husband and his brother could be with MIL at the tiny funeral so there was a memorial service October 2022. It is only natural to feel some degree of relief when that time comes. I feel the guilt. Jean Kirschenheiter July 20, 2019 at 4:16 pm Reply. I have a loving husband. I miss them! I started grieving once he became bedridden 2 weeks after the diagnosis. After a couple weeks, they gave her 24 hrs. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. . She was mentally unwell, and struggled with addiction later in life. Hi . me! that is my mothers sole mode of dealing with others. She treated him like crap too, but he was an adult and had a choice. Relief is a feeling of ease, reassurance, or release following the removal of anxiety, distress or pain. She wants other young widows to know that their lives . Thank you. In fact, feeling relieved when caregiving ends is indicative of the all-consuming nature of the job you took on. I used to say, my loss, her gain, because she clearly felt relief when her father died, that she could finally show the world who she was. They were both highly abusive people, ruined many peoples lives (and even caused other loved ones to die prematurely), AND were a menace to society at large. I felt the only variable we were able to control was the pain by giving him as many painkillers his body could have handled. If even the professionals couldnt handle it, that should tell you how bad the situation was. So if you find yourself grieving the loss of a complicated loved one, and feeling relief in the process, understand you arent bad. You arent crazy, and you arent alone. The night we found our 25 yr old son dead from an overdose, I felt a moment of relief. She died in 2017. Its only been 3wks and now I worry my feeling ok is unfair. Jaes post said it all: ..your deep grief is clouding your perception and interfering in your ability to see clearly the true nature of the situation. Because my mother was a complex woman. Relief cant even express what I felt. But he did steal, lie, manipulate and suck the life out of our family through his addiction a painful 18 years jail, prison, losing every job. Reading your post was a comfort to me. I felt helpless that I could not help her. Myth: Feeling relief in this situation means you wanted the person you love to die. I am glad to hear that you are starting counseling. And she was gone. Pull the plug) that would haunt them for the rest of theyre lives. 2. As logical and as common as the emotion of relief is in grief, it seems like grievers often carry it with them as though its a deep, dark secret, an article on Whats Your Grief explains. Your actions leading up to that moment are those of a real life angel. We knew he hadnt been 100% after his lymph glands were up in the summer, we told him to go to the Dr and get it investigated. Thanks, Kathy, Kathy Mawer August 10, 2016 at 7:45 pm Reply. To my ears, that sure beats the slippery machinations and constant me! I will seek out my happiness that has been suppressed for way to long. I have the same feelings of relief guilt. More than 30 years later, she was on vacation in Spain when her mother called to tell her that he had died. I was closest to him so I took the brunt of his anger and I understand that part. He tried to set fire to the house twice so I couldnt shut my eyes for a minute. We will be thinking of you and hope our site is of some support in the months to come. I drained 2 liters of fluid from an inserted catheter in his side every other day. You likely felt this relief because you were unknowingly experiencing anticipatory grief, which you can read about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/, Relief is normal. Its in no way how I feel now and it only lasted about 60 seconds. To me, it seems a logical conclusion that in light of all that, Id feel relieved, and personally, not even sad that theyre gone. Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 9:33 am Reply. A nervous breakdown is a very real thing and any normal person would have suffered one long before you did under identical circumstances. I think this will really help me process things, thank you so much. I cried, and i probably wont stop.for a while, but I was happy she wasnt going through anymore pain and suffering because of her arthritis. Here the shutting down of grief is like throwing a heavy blanket over our emotional selves. Thank you for this post. I feel guilty that I am not sad enough but then I remember Ive been sad about this for 2.5 years already and thats a lot of sadness to endure. She is not a bad person. "I am scared", "I am happy", or "I am overwhelmed". She was angry, bitter, resentful, hateful, selfish, manipulative, narcissistic, sarcastic, abusive, and mean to everyone. As an adult, after she died, I found the paper with the real score. Typically in any given moment if I were to ask you how you felt, you'd probably identify the most prevalent feeling - i.e. Thats what eats me the most. It was my responsibility, a cross I felt I needed to bear. Assumption #2: People oftenassume that feeling one emotion somehow detracts from or negates another. yearn for the relationship we could have had. Oh my gosh Kathy, thank you SO much for commenting. I know he would have, just would have dragged his feet, and ours, on taking any action. My history. She told me she hated having kids, having kids ruined her life but that my life would have turned out better if I had had kids. For many, relief feels like something they should be ashamed of, it feels wrong, or as though its something they shouldnt admit to [but] emotions arent mutually exclusive. I think other people will hate me for being relieved, and I hate myself for loving him. Your son is free and possibly somehow you know he is happy now. I could see how absolutely lost he was. Bipolar disorder. You need grief counseling. The last 3 or 4 years of her life were challenging for my Mother and my Stepfather as she lived with them for over 20 years. If not, we can privately send you some resources. I have told many about WYG. Brenda Cottrell June 25, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply. As far as not seeing him off to the hospitalyou COULDNT. My texts were unread. Im so thankful that I NEVER told anyone, to just get over it. Im describing a life in which the expectations are naturally Oh, no. But the second, and this is the one I struggle with, is that Im also relieved I dont have to be around him anymore or feel guilty for not inviting him into my life. I actually said the word relief when speaking to a friend, and to myself, when I heard that word come out of my mouth, it was as if I said, Yup, we all had enough. It is also common. It means were still here, and we know that life goes on. She lied about everything. And, as always, subscribe over on the sidebar to get our new posts right to your inbox! But I also felt a sense of relief that she would be at peace. Just gone. I feel relief on a few levels. He was ill for over 30 years, the last few were increasingly stressful and the caretaking was intense. Patricia Johnson August 31, 2019 at 1:05 pm Reply. Her and my dad were married over 60 years and he misses her terribly to this day. only to find more cancer somewhere else. A burden I could now set down and not carry any longer. She did so much and she was disabled and there is nothing more incredible then having an amazing mother that can really do anything. Thank you. i went to shut this computer down and this website appeared. He has a son out there somewhere that weve never met. Jakes end was very shorta week between diagnosis and losing him on Monday, but the care he needed to try to bring him back to living was intense, and the prospect of keeping that up for weeks, months or years was daunting. I told her not to give up, but she told me that even though so many were Praying for her, that she couldnt escape cancer. May 22, 2019 at 9:42 pm Reply. . Its six years later and I feel like Ive come to grips with a lot of it. However, many circumstances surrounding a relationship or connected to a loss could relate to feelings of anxiety, distress, and pain. You relief is not because you wanted them to die, but because the toll of the addiction itself has been lifted. Well, two assumptions really. After 2 months of hospice palliative care, he died in May 2020 during lockdown, he was 86. It sounds like youve been through a huge amount. After that brief few minutes I tried to do cpr to get him back and I prayed and prayed to God to send him back to help me save him. IQ of 148. I really wish I could talk to someone about it though. At first FIL was told it wasnt cancer but 3 mths after further biopsies he was told it was and given 3 to 18 months to live. One of the three people in my life that I love deadly and I shouted at him. If you've yet to express your feelings, it gets more complex. Its such a strange, sad, and sometimes guilt-inducing feeling. Life is so hard at times when things are going good And then to add these negatives At times can be unbearable. It can keep families in a state of constant anxiety, guilt, shame, and hyper-vigilance, always fearing an arrest, overdose or death. Medications for pain relief during labor are . My older brother passed away from ending his own life. I was broken, I have many heath issues myself. Shannon January 8, 2022 at 3:12 am Reply. umm, so I found out that one of my brother family member died on his dad side . Our relationship was a constant struggle, fraught with perpetual trauma. Hello. When he was drunk, he was an abusive monster. The only relief Ive ever felt was when they found Osama bin Laden, one of the jerks responsible for planning the operation that killed him and thousands of others. I did not no he was suffering after 4 tours in Iraq/ Afghanistan. I dont have the urge to cry, I have good people to talk to, but I cant relate to grief books at all. At the end they were both huge burdens phone calls almost every day that were emergencies. Your hope was for recovery, not death. But i dont feel sad or i wanna cry . And he was violent when he was drinking and using as well. Blood was all over her face. Marie November 22, 2021 at 1:43 am Reply. I have described him as being passively suicidal for the last 3 years of his lifewhen a MRSA infection started complicating chronic pain, mental health and addiction issues. Her life was characterized by persistent mental and physical illnesses, beginning with her premature birth and Polio when she was 4. He weighed over 300 lbs and I have a broken back. My mom reports that I was so active in utero that she knew she was having "a boy or a heaven-help-us girl." I identify as nonbinary now, but "heaven-help-us girl" is probably a more accurate description of my gender. Thankfully I did try to be nicer to him last 6 months and when I was mean I went down to tell him I was sorry so that does help but he did so much for me I loved him so much but didnt show it to him much. I love and miss them so much. She was cold and callous. He was a part of me in alot of ways. Id give anything to have a healthy Stanley back in my life. Larken Koran November 12, 2019 at 10:46 pm Reply. Some moments I bawl and feel such dread and then I go through days where I barely think about him. My 29 year old son told me for over half of his life that he hated his life and wanted to die. I thought if I kissed her she might crumble into pieces. I feel a sense of relief from her because she was also in pain for a long time from other injuries decades ago. Reality: Youwanted to escape the relationship. I pray for him but have no regrets hes gone. Relief is an emotion I think many do feel ashamed of, despite how common it is. And she was diagnosed with genetic senile dementia. I completely understand feeling guilty, but please know this: You did not do anything wrong. It really helps. Jennifer February 6, 2020 at 1:07 pm Reply. I lost my brother just a few days ago, and I felt oddly calm today. I was blown away by your comment because thats exactly how I feel. Persephone May 5, 2018 at 12:18 pm Reply. I am glad you are healthy enough emotionally to understand that feeling relief from the two situations is okay, and its totally normal to feel that pressure lifted while also losing someone. Her death brought me closure. I was the scapegoat who took the abuse. Had I gone as long as you had in that same situation I have zero doubt I would have raised my voice more than once. I feel bad for the kids because they liked him. Its a long story. It's also human to feel a tinge of relief when the distress youfelt as a result of havingto watch your loved one struggle has come to an end. Only will feel enormous relief to be free of this very difficult and unhappy relationship. He fed conflict in the coparenting relationship. My mom just passed away on the 17th at 68 yrs old. My pain though is pervasive as that I experienced after death of family members. It came out of nowhere and we were told right away that it was stage 4 and pretty much they could do nothing but keep her comfortable. I talked to him about counseling/therapy and medication. The 42-year-old mom has been left to raise the couple's boys aged 11 and 8 alone. I tried attending a support group because I feel very misunderstood by the people in my life and society. I spent about four months wages between January 2018 and last week taking care of sick kitties, and had 23 non-routine vet visits. Thank you for posting this. As long as he doesnt get really sick from this, itll all be good. When your narcissistic mother dies, you'll experience a number of different emotions, some of which might surprise you. Victoria Morales March 13, 2021 at 8:51 am Reply, I feel exactly the same. In contrast, I miss him in many ways, however, also know that my life would continue to be a living hell if he were still here. Thank you for your post about feeling two seemingly contradictory emotions at the same time. Emergency workers were able to get a pulse and he was rushed to the hospital. When someone dies there can be a sense of relief that is completely normal, but that can also create feelings of guilt. Thank you. I couldnt do it. My mom was in so much pain the night she passed on. My husband passed away on May 29 after a very long illness which caused him to have to spend the last 3 years of his life in a nursing home. Theres no use in shaking your fist at the sky. Six weeks after my husband died, one of my children, age 16, told me she was a transgender girl. Whats Your Grief? She went from a warm, caring, active woman to an individual unaware of her surroundings and in constant pain in just a few months; and I changed into a full-time caregiver. So when I opened my email on June 1, just 2 days after his death, and saw your article I was so pleased. I couldnt cry in front of him because I got yelled at for showing human emotion. I felt like I had been mourning his impending death for that whole time, and that his death was hanging over me waiting to happen and I knew my heart would be broken. Its soo hard on me right now. I do feel like Ive set that burden down and feel I can breathe again. So I let her answering machine fill up with messages, because I couldn't cope. He became aggressive and uncontrollable, me having an anxiety disorder and major depression fell even deeper. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within . SHALOM, Justina October 1, 2022 at 11:17 am Reply. I loved and love my dad with all my heart God knows I didnt want him to leave me ever. For what!? You'll most certainly feel relief, but you'll also likely feel intense grief, anger, and a sense of 'dis-anchoring.'. Deanna Clark Willingham May 31, 2016 at 1:17 pm Reply. Im so glad for that rainbow you were given! Fact: What you wanted was for your loved one's addiction to end so their suffering could be over and so thatthey could be theperson they were before their addiction. Recently a coworker's father died, and we circulated a card. Is not on the medications, which did help him in the past. Olympia survived an emergency pyometra spay. Im too so glad I came upon this blog, because the guilt of feeling the way I do was eating on me. I had a broken back before this started, an unrepairable back injury. When I found dad on the 1st, I knew he was gone, but I also want to know why did I feel that relief for a few short minutes?? Thanks for validating my feelings of relief, though you are not the only ones. With a few changes in details this is exactly what Im feeling. There is no magic way to resolve your guilt,but what we hope you will remember from today's post, if nothing else, is that relief is extremely common and incredibly normal in grief. She has been battling cancer since 2006. So Your Kid Caught You Having Sex. I would strongly suggest that as a first step if you have not done so and it may be helpful specifically to look for someone who works in not just grief, but also trauma. I prayed that he would just not wake up one morning and when I got a call from the nursing home at 5:30 In the morning I knew before even answering the phone. Thank you for letting me share. He was mentally and verbally abusive and (Im sure) at times may have physically abused her along with other family members. Hed do that every 15 minutes due to the fluid pressure in his abdomen. Deborah, Im so sorry for your loss. (I never said that to her, of course! When I had an IQ test at age 10, the results were 136 but she told me they were barely 120 but only because the psychologist helped me and my sisters were higher. Also, my parents put me down all the time telling me that I wasnt going to make it in life, or life would just stop when you get older because (according to my dad) it was going to get worse. A real life jerk August 18, 2021 at 12:03 am Reply, Forgive the typos, I didnt see them till I hit publish The errors I saw were that I moved out of the house where my wife and son live and the pain meds were morphine, Im sure theres more, please forgive them. My mother is now very unwell and I am so burnt out trying to be empathetic to her although it continues to haunt me how disinterested and detached she has been as a parent to me. He died in hospital hospice car 36 hours later. 2. Parenting is one of the most complex and challenging jobs you'll face in your lifetime -- but also the most rewarding. He also struggled most his life, and knowing that his struggles are gone and the absence of these stresses creates a sense of relief. When I read this posting on relief I was so grateful that your wonderful blog was dealing with something weighing so on my heart. She turned to alcohol in her fifties, consuming 10 to 12 beers every day.