FADE IN: "TAKE THE MONET AND RUN" EXT STREET, BEVERLY HILLS DAY Outside a palatial Beverly Hills-style mansion, an "Art Movers of America" truck is parked on a sloping hill. Art movers MORTON GARCIA (31) and RANDY GIBBS (29) struggle to remove a large statue of Greek phallic figure PRIAPUS out of the rear of the truck. The statue's enormous mythic erection makes deciding where to grab a handhold difficult for the movers; they fumble for proper placement while hefting the figure off the truck platform. EXT. WALKWAY, TRENT HOUSE These guys obviously aren't your average furniture movers; they fail to negotiate the correct path up the walkway, nearly careening into the shrubbery on several occasions. Midway up the path, Randy's ill-placed handhold snaps the large member off Priapus. He commences a mock swordfight with the displaced weenie in his hand. Morton is dismayed. MORTON Oh shit. You really did it. RANDY What do they make these things out of? MORTON They're probably watching us. Hidden camera. RANDY Stand in front of me. Just stand right there. Randy whips out a large tube of epoxy. RANDY (cont.) (gluing weenie back on) They'll never notice. INT. TRENT HOUSE The doors open to reveal a hip, overdone interior that clashes with the traditional facade of the house. ZOOS (35), the wacky decorator responsible for this travesty of home improvement, looks loving down the walkway at the Priapus. Zoos is sexy and dangerous and dresses like it. Homeowners BARBARA TRENT (37) and husband NEAL TRENT (43), who are "financially unchallenged by heredity", stand stiffly behind Zoos. They don't know what to expect, but they'll like it, they think. Barbara's dowdy appearance contrasts the flamboyant interior decoration; Neal has that calcified prep school look. They have a son, TRENT BRAT (10), who whizzes around the house and is never reprimanded. ZOOS' POV ZOOS (to Trents) It's coming, oh, it's really coming; it's almost here. After a few seconds, she realizes the statue's entrance is stalled on the walkway. ZOOS (cont.) (to movers) Hey! Yoo-hoo. EXT. WALKWAY, TRENT HOUSE Randy smiles while he holds the weenie in place so the glue will dry properly. Morton looks at his watch anxiously. RANDY (to Zoos) Be right there! Morton eyes the epoxy tube. MORTON (whispering) It said five minutes, we gotta wait three more minutes. Never mind. INT. TRENT LIVINGROOM Spacious and garishly adorned, the mansion is replete with meaningful niches, lush corridors and showy corners featuring well-lit object d'art. The movers ENTER with Priapus. Randy grips him carefully; this PG-13 homoerotic pose amuses Zoos. ZOOS (to Barbara) It's a man's world. Barbara, who doesn't get it, has more pressing concerns. BARBARA He's still a boy, a child. Maybe this is too much. ZOOS Consider this a classical sex education. Neal inspects the statue. NEAL That's a lot to live up to. ZOOS (to movers) Two lefts, a right, another left. Put it next to the bed. Randy and Morton EXIT lugging Priapus off down the hall. The Trent Brat ENTERS, runs by them, and nearly trips Morton. INT. BRAT BEDROOM In the Wild West motif, the Trent Brat's bedroom includes a bed made by artist Red Grooms and other artful touches. Clearly the kid didn't choose any of this. Randy and Morton set the statue carefully beside the bed. The Trent Brat points to the window. TRENT BRAT Move it over there. MORTON It stays. TRENT BRAT Looks like a big turd. RANDY You'll get used to it. TRENT BRAT Fat chance. Randy gives him the tube of epoxy to sniff. RANDY (taking off cap) This goes with it. Good stuff. INT. TRENT ENTRYWAY Morton sifts through the paperwork. Zoos waits impatiently. RANDY (to Zoos) Guess you're gonna get the ax if they donít like it, huh? Zoos ignores him. RANDY (cont.) You know, fired? Unemployed. ZOOS I'm strictly freelance. She hands them colored condoms for a tip, which is not the same as money. ZOOS (cont.) (to movers) Here's a little something for you. CUT TO: EXT. AMA WAREHOUSE, EAST LOS ANGELES DAY Art Movers of America is located in a downscale warehouse, which resembles a lumber yard because of the copius amount of wood they use to make packing crates. Though disheveled, this place stores some of the most beautiful artwork in the world. Headless antique statues peek out of corners, along with rows of paintings, wall hangings, Grecian urns, and assorted high dollar knickknacks. INT. DISPATCHER'S OFFICE TUCKER (27) the obnoxious dispatcher is friendly with AMA's unlikeable owner IAN PRINE (45). He radios Morton and Randy on the road. IAN Make sure they're wearing their uniforms. TUCKER (to Ian) Oky-dokey, boss. (to CB) You wearing your uniforms, guys? Ian EXITS. DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC MOVER'S TRUCK Morton is driving; Randy rummages behind his seat for an official AMA uniform shirt. He yanks it on over his shirt. RANDY (to Tucker via CB) Yes, your highness. Morton struggles to pull his uniform shirt on while he's driving. MORTON (to Randy) Don't piss him off; I gotta get going. TUCKER (O.S.) (via CB) I hope you didn't screw up. You were just at the home of Barbara and Neal Trent, two of the biggest collectors in L.A. Randy looks down at the paperwork. It's UPSIDEDOWN ANGLE -- ADDRESS The "7734" on 7734 Majestic Lane reads "hell" when inverted. (Keep this in mind for later.) RANDY (to CB) It went like clockwork, Chief. INT. TRENT BRAT BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS The hastily repaired member falls off Priapus as the Trent Brat looks on in horror. Could this happen to him someday, he wonders? TRENT BRAT Mommy? Mommy, c'mere! EXT. DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC They're stuck in gridlock. INT. MOVER'S TRUCK RANDY Okay, I'm not a peon; I'm a 'have-not' -- you like that better? MORTON Don't obsess over it. RANDY You don't get it, do you? MORTON No. In the lanes of traffic, there's a gaudy EXTENDED AXEL LIMO on one side of them, a trashed 1977 PINTO on the other. RANDY (indicates limo) See that. (indicates Pinto) Now that. MORTON Go make a hit record, Randy. INT AMA WAREHOUSE LOT DAY Morton and Randy pull the truck into the warehouse parking lot. They hop out; Morton is in a hurry. They are greeted by ANITA (31), a no-holds-barred kind of woman who's driving a forklift. ANITA You're in for it. Randy holds his ever present drumsticks and pounds a tune on the forklift front end. RANDY Don't get me excited. NYLES (24), the warehouse sweeper who's in love with Anita and follows her every move, pushes his broom around her forklift. He wears thick glasses. ANITA The whiner wants to see you. Get away from me with that. MORTON Aw man, I'm late already. ANGUS (42), a junkie who is AMA's resident art restorer, ENTERS. Instead of a cigarette behind his ear; he sports a clean, bleached syringe. ANGUS (to Morton) If you're lucky, you might get canned. (to Nyles) See this line, don't sweep on this side of the line. Don't clean up for me, ever. Morton and Randy EXIT. NYLES (to Angus) What band is Randy in? ANGUS He used to be in Shy Corpse, then he was in the Undead -- (to Anita) Anita, what band is Randy in? ANITA No Commercial Potential. INT. AMA BOSS'S OFFICE DAY Ian Prine is a whiner; his office reflects that he's stingy, over-reactive and paranoid that people are out to get him. He responds after four knocks on his door. IAN Entree. Morton and Randy ENTER. MORTON We're back. IAN Who gave the Trent's son the glue? Randy pounds a short drumroll on Ian's desk. RANDY Mikey liked it. But Ian won't be won over. IAN That's once too often, guys. (beat) You break something, you're supposed to call Tucker. INT AMA PACKING ROOM DAY Morton's artwork -- icon paintings that feature household products -- adorn the shop walls. His palate, paint and brushes litter the area around his work space. Randy's elaborate drum kit is set up in a corner. Copies of musician's magazine are strewn about. Randy and Morton slowly collect their belongings. ANGUS ENTERS. He holds a worn gilded frame that needs repairs. ANGUS Did I ever tell you about the midget car? MORTON Not now. ANGUS It was my uncle's. He had this special Chrysler made for himself. MORTON This is not a good time. ANGUS It had a tiny steering wheel -- he's a midget. RANDY Angus, we just got fired. ANGUS So? Morton, usually a cool and collected sort, blows his top. He snatches a tube of RED paint, grabs Angus by the collar and shoves the tube in his face. MORTON (to Angus) Van Steigel cadmium red. Thirty bucks a tube. Block's Lapis Violet. Fifty bucks. I don't work; I don't paint, get it? Morton EXITS. Angus is unfazed by the violent display. ANGUS (to Randy) I wrecked that car. Took me eight years to pay it off. EXT AMA WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT DAY Anita shifts boxes around with her forklift; she clears a pathway to a large WAX-COVERED CRATE. Nyles directs her as she backs up. ANITA How'm I doing? NYLES Three feet. Morton ENTERS. He holds up his paycheck for them to see. ANITA Uh-ho. NYLES (to Morton) Did you get a raise? MORTON Two weeks' pay, my friend. ANITA Just like that. MORTON Randy got it too. ANITA Don't leave yet. MORTON Why not? ANITA I need some advice. INT AMA FRONT OFFICE DAY Anita and Morton, followed by Nyles, ENTER a large functional front office with plate glass windows and AMA brochures on a display table. The office is crowded with ART OBJECTS, many of which are covered with sheets and labeled according to their various destinations. A PERFORMANCE ARTIST stands by the display table perusing a brochure. With eerily powdered skin, he is naked from the waist up. BLACK MAGIC MARKER 'X's are drawn all over his chest. ANITA (pointing at performer) This just came in today. Morton tries not to stare. MORTON Is that it? ANITA Not quite. Anita takes a shoe-sized WHITE BOX off the countertop; she opens it for Morton. ANGLE -- WHITE BOX Huge FISH HOOKS are revealed. NYLES He wants us to install him. Nyles holds up a SCHEMATIC DRAWING which shows a man suspended by wire and fish hooks over an adoring crowd. ANITA Is it legal? MORTON Make sure he has insurance; and a tetanus booster. ANITA Can we do people? NYLES If he says he's art. MORTON Make him sign a release form. EXT AMA WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT DAY Anita and Nyles walk Morton to the gate. NYLES Is Randy taking his drums? MORTON (to Nyles) He'll probably sell 'em. Anita reaches into her bra and retrieves a $20. ANITA Get some Wild Turkey and paint me naked.