FADE IN: "TAKE THE MONET AND RUN"
EXT STREET, BEVERLY HILLS DAY
Outside a palatial Beverly Hills-style mansion, an "Art Movers of America"
truck is parked on a sloping hill.
Art movers MORTON GARCIA (31) and RANDY GIBBS (29) struggle to remove a
large statue of Greek phallic figure PRIAPUS out of the rear of the truck.
The statue's enormous mythic erection makes deciding where to grab a handhold
difficult for the movers; they fumble for proper placement while hefting the
figure off the truck platform.
EXT. WALKWAY, TRENT HOUSE
These guys obviously aren't your average furniture movers; they fail to
negotiate the correct path up the walkway, nearly careening into the shrubbery
on several occasions.
Midway up the path, Randy's ill-placed handhold snaps the large member off
Priapus. He commences a mock swordfight with the displaced weenie in his hand.
Morton is dismayed.
MORTON
Oh shit. You really did it.
RANDY
What do they make these things
out of?
MORTON
They're probably watching us.
Hidden camera.
RANDY
Stand in front of me. Just stand
right there.
Randy whips out a large tube of epoxy.
RANDY (cont.)
(gluing weenie back on)
They'll never notice.
INT. TRENT HOUSE
The doors open to reveal a hip, overdone interior that clashes with the
traditional facade of the house. ZOOS (35), the wacky decorator responsible
for this travesty of home improvement, looks loving down the walkway at the
Priapus. Zoos is sexy and dangerous and dresses like it.
Homeowners BARBARA TRENT (37) and husband NEAL TRENT (43), who are "financially
unchallenged by heredity", stand stiffly behind Zoos. They don't know what to
expect, but they'll like it, they think.
Barbara's dowdy appearance contrasts the flamboyant interior decoration; Neal
has that calcified prep school look.
They have a son, TRENT BRAT (10), who whizzes around the house and is never
reprimanded.
ZOOS' POV
ZOOS
(to Trents)
It's coming, oh, it's really coming;
it's almost here.
After a few seconds, she realizes the statue's entrance is stalled on
the walkway.
ZOOS (cont.)
(to movers)
Hey! Yoo-hoo.
EXT. WALKWAY, TRENT HOUSE
Randy smiles while he holds the weenie in place so the glue will dry
properly. Morton looks at his watch anxiously.
RANDY
(to Zoos)
Be right there!
Morton eyes the epoxy tube.
MORTON
(whispering)
It said five minutes, we gotta wait
three more minutes. Never mind.
INT. TRENT LIVINGROOM
Spacious and garishly adorned, the mansion is replete with meaningful
niches, lush corridors and showy corners featuring well-lit object d'art.
The movers ENTER with Priapus. Randy grips him carefully; this PG-13
homoerotic pose amuses Zoos.
ZOOS
(to Barbara)
It's a man's world.
Barbara, who doesn't get it, has more pressing concerns.
BARBARA
He's still a boy, a child.
Maybe this is too much.
ZOOS
Consider this a classical sex
education.
Neal inspects the statue.
NEAL
That's a lot to live up to.
ZOOS
(to movers)
Two lefts, a right, another left.
Put it next to the bed.
Randy and Morton EXIT lugging Priapus off down the hall.
The Trent Brat ENTERS, runs by them, and nearly trips Morton.
INT. BRAT BEDROOM
In the Wild West motif, the Trent Brat's bedroom includes a bed made
by artist Red Grooms and other artful touches. Clearly the kid didn't
choose any of this.
Randy and Morton set the statue carefully beside the bed. The Trent
Brat points to the window.
TRENT BRAT
Move it over there.
MORTON
It stays.
TRENT BRAT
Looks like a big turd.
RANDY
You'll get used to it.
TRENT BRAT
Fat chance.
Randy gives him the tube of epoxy to sniff.
RANDY
(taking off cap)
This goes with it. Good stuff.
INT. TRENT ENTRYWAY
Morton sifts through the paperwork. Zoos waits impatiently.
RANDY
(to Zoos)
Guess you're gonna get the
ax if they don’t like it, huh?
Zoos ignores him.
RANDY (cont.)
You know, fired? Unemployed.
ZOOS
I'm strictly freelance.
She hands them colored condoms for a tip, which is not the same as money.
ZOOS (cont.)
(to movers)
Here's a little something for
you.
CUT TO:
EXT. AMA WAREHOUSE, EAST LOS ANGELES DAY
Art Movers of America is located in a downscale warehouse, which resembles
a lumber yard because of the copius amount of wood they use to make packing
crates. Though disheveled, this place stores some of the most beautiful
artwork in the world.
Headless antique statues peek out of corners, along with rows of paintings,
wall hangings, Grecian urns, and assorted high dollar knickknacks.
INT. DISPATCHER'S OFFICE
TUCKER (27) the obnoxious dispatcher is friendly with AMA's unlikeable owner
IAN PRINE (45). He radios Morton and Randy on the road.
IAN
Make sure they're wearing their
uniforms.
TUCKER
(to Ian)
Oky-dokey, boss.
(to CB)
You wearing your uniforms, guys?
Ian EXITS.
DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC
MOVER'S TRUCK
Morton is driving; Randy rummages behind his seat for an official AMA uniform
shirt. He yanks it on over his shirt.
RANDY
(to Tucker via CB)
Yes, your highness.
Morton struggles to pull his uniform shirt on while he's driving.
MORTON
(to Randy)
Don't piss him off; I gotta
get going.
TUCKER (O.S.)
(via CB)
I hope you didn't screw up.
You were just at the home of
Barbara and Neal Trent, two
of the biggest collectors in
L.A.
Randy looks down at the paperwork. It's UPSIDEDOWN
ANGLE -- ADDRESS
The "7734" on 7734 Majestic Lane reads "hell" when inverted. (Keep this in
mind for later.)
RANDY
(to CB)
It went like clockwork, Chief.
INT. TRENT BRAT BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS
The hastily repaired member falls off Priapus as the Trent Brat looks on in
horror. Could this happen to him someday, he wonders?
TRENT BRAT
Mommy? Mommy, c'mere!
EXT. DOWNTOWN TRAFFIC
They're stuck in gridlock.
INT. MOVER'S TRUCK
RANDY
Okay, I'm not a peon;
I'm a 'have-not' -- you
like that better?
MORTON
Don't obsess over it.
RANDY
You don't get it, do you?
MORTON
No.
In the lanes of traffic, there's a gaudy EXTENDED AXEL LIMO on one side of
them, a trashed 1977 PINTO on the other.
RANDY
(indicates limo)
See that.
(indicates Pinto)
Now that.
MORTON
Go make a hit record, Randy.
INT AMA WAREHOUSE LOT DAY
Morton and Randy pull the truck into the warehouse parking lot. They hop
out; Morton is in a hurry.
They are greeted by ANITA (31), a no-holds-barred kind of woman who's
driving a forklift.
ANITA
You're in for it.
Randy holds his ever present drumsticks and pounds a tune on the forklift
front end.
RANDY
Don't get me excited.
NYLES (24), the warehouse sweeper who's in love with Anita and follows her
every move, pushes his broom around her forklift. He wears thick glasses.
ANITA
The whiner wants to see you.
Get away from me with that.
MORTON
Aw man, I'm late already.
ANGUS (42), a junkie who is AMA's resident art restorer, ENTERS. Instead
of a cigarette behind his ear; he sports a clean, bleached syringe.
ANGUS
(to Morton)
If you're lucky, you might get
canned.
(to Nyles)
See this line, don't sweep
on this side of the line.
Don't clean up for me, ever.
Morton and Randy EXIT.
NYLES
(to Angus)
What band is Randy in?
ANGUS
He used to be in Shy Corpse,
then he was in the Undead --
(to Anita)
Anita, what band is Randy in?
ANITA
No Commercial Potential.
INT. AMA BOSS'S OFFICE DAY
Ian Prine is a whiner; his office reflects that he's stingy, over-reactive
and paranoid that people are out to get him. He responds after four knocks
on his door.
IAN
Entree.
Morton and Randy ENTER.
MORTON
We're back.
IAN
Who gave the Trent's son
the glue?
Randy pounds a short drumroll on Ian's desk.
RANDY
Mikey liked it.
But Ian won't be won over.
IAN
That's once too often, guys.
(beat)
You break something, you're
supposed to call Tucker.
INT AMA PACKING ROOM DAY
Morton's artwork -- icon paintings that feature household products --
adorn the shop walls. His palate, paint and brushes litter the area
around his work space. Randy's elaborate drum kit is set up in a corner.
Copies of musician's magazine are strewn about.
Randy and Morton slowly collect their belongings.
ANGUS ENTERS. He holds a worn gilded frame that needs repairs.
ANGUS
Did I ever tell you about
the midget car?
MORTON
Not now.
ANGUS
It was my uncle's. He had this
special Chrysler made for himself.
MORTON
This is not a good time.
ANGUS
It had a tiny steering wheel --
he's a midget.
RANDY
Angus, we just got fired.
ANGUS
So?
Morton, usually a cool and collected sort, blows his top. He snatches a
tube of RED paint, grabs Angus by the collar and shoves the tube in his face.
MORTON
(to Angus)
Van Steigel cadmium red.
Thirty bucks a tube. Block's
Lapis Violet. Fifty bucks. I don't
work; I don't paint, get it?
Morton EXITS.
Angus is unfazed by the violent display.
ANGUS
(to Randy)
I wrecked that car. Took me
eight years to pay it off.
EXT AMA WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT DAY
Anita shifts boxes around with her forklift; she clears a pathway to a
large WAX-COVERED CRATE.
Nyles directs her as she backs up.
ANITA
How'm I doing?
NYLES
Three feet.
Morton ENTERS. He holds up his paycheck for them to see.
ANITA
Uh-ho.
NYLES
(to Morton)
Did you get a raise?
MORTON
Two weeks' pay, my friend.
ANITA
Just like that.
MORTON
Randy got it too.
ANITA
Don't leave yet.
MORTON
Why not?
ANITA
I need some advice.
INT AMA FRONT OFFICE DAY
Anita and Morton, followed by Nyles, ENTER a large functional front office
with plate glass windows and AMA brochures on a display table.
The office is crowded with ART OBJECTS, many of which are covered with
sheets and labeled according to their various destinations.
A PERFORMANCE ARTIST stands by the display table perusing a brochure.
With eerily powdered skin, he is naked from the waist up. BLACK MAGIC
MARKER 'X's are drawn all over his chest.
ANITA
(pointing at performer)
This just came in today.
Morton tries not to stare.
MORTON
Is that it?
ANITA
Not quite.
Anita takes a shoe-sized WHITE BOX off the countertop; she opens
it for Morton.
ANGLE -- WHITE BOX
Huge FISH HOOKS are revealed.
NYLES
He wants us to install him.
Nyles holds up a SCHEMATIC DRAWING which shows a man suspended by
wire and fish hooks over an adoring crowd.
ANITA
Is it legal?
MORTON
Make sure he has insurance;
and a tetanus booster.
ANITA
Can we do people?
NYLES
If he says he's art.
MORTON
Make him sign a
release form.
EXT AMA WAREHOUSE PARKING LOT DAY
Anita and Nyles walk Morton to the gate.
NYLES
Is Randy taking his drums?
MORTON
(to Nyles)
He'll probably sell 'em.
Anita reaches into her bra and retrieves a $20.
ANITA
Get some Wild Turkey and
paint me naked.